Changed
I worked my way off the wheelie bed onto the narrow operating room table. There were masked and gowned people all around helping. Next to me on a cart was the heart-lung machine, complicated and a little frightening. The guy closest to me was explaining that he would be monitoring my brain waves and managing the anesthetic to keep me just under.
I looked up at the ceiling tiles just beyond the three giant light fixtures above me. I was afraid. Then I wasn’t afraid. This was surprising and felt a little supernatural. I said in my mind, “God, however this works out, it's okay. I’ll either see you today, or I’ll see you eventually.”
This scene played out in my life two years ago. I have a crystal-clear memory of it. Something changed in that moment when I told God I was okay with whatever happens.
I have a long list of things to be thankful for regarding my life-saving surgery. I get to continue to live, love, and look for ways to be useful to God. I get to enjoy a coffee in the morning and pumpkin pie with my family and friends on holidays.
The most profound outcome is what changed in me while I was on that table. I chose to make peace with God and trust him in whatever was to come. It’s not the choice I made so much as the realization that I would never have learned what my choice would be without the reality and gravity of the moment given to me to make it.
I was a believer for many years before all this. I was saved and going to heaven. I was and am a student of the Bible and what God is up to in me and around me. I seek his kingdom and his righteousness. Given all this wonderful Christianity, I marvel every day at the profound change that happened to me that morning on the operating table on November 30th, 2023.
I’ve been trying to match some words to it. I think maybe God would want me to share it. I’m praying about how exactly to express it. All I can come up with is that my trust in God increased greatly in that moment, which means my trust prior to that was lower. This means that trust is not a yes-or-no thing, but a quantity that can be small, large, or anywhere in between. Is this the big discovery I should share? Should I continue to want a greater amount of this trust? Or perhaps it’s just for me to abide in a growing assurance of God’s loving embrace?
God, “Do these words belong in the church blog you have entrusted to me? Will they make a critical difference in someone’s life? Or are they just me showing off about how God has blessed me? Will others know my heart by reading them? Does it even matter if others know my heart?”
I’m an old guy. I’ve been walking with God for a long time. He has been trying to diminish my pride and amplify my praise for years. This goes along rather slowly until it doesn’t, and there is a step change. He reminds me that I no longer need any assurance of my worth from any other person. He has enough of that for me. More than enough.
“Share your thoughts,” God says, “I’ll handle the rest.”
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me? (Psalms 56:3-4 ESV)
“Suffering is connected to glory because suffering–– like nothing else in this life–– avails us the opportunity to become like Jesus in this chaotic and corrupted world.” (Tyler Staton)[i]
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[i] Staton, Tyler (2025), Redemptive Suffering, The Familiar Stranger (pp. 179-180). Thomas Nelson.
