Milk, Goodreads, and Restless Hearts
If I could plainly state to someone my reason for reading my bible, for spending time in prayer, in worship, attending church, ministering to our church body, for that matter, I would tell you it is to love God and know God. That statement is true most of the time, but is it always that I want to know God? Or rather, have I fallen into times of just wanting to know OF God?
If I could show you the list of theology books within my Goodreads “Want to Read” folder, or for that matter, the theology books in my “Read” folder, you would find me to be one so in love, so encompassed by the desire to know God. For those of you who don’t know what Goodreads is, it’s an online logging of books you’ve read and reviewed. It’s where we modern-day readers love to find reviews and input our reading logs. Here’s the thing that all of us believers must come to know sooner or later: knowledge about God is not the same as seeking God himself. I have had a deep-seated longing within myself for a deeper understanding of God. This pure desire can change shape, though, depending on the motivation of my heart. More importantly and more specifically, if I think I am doing it alone, and not through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
Now I am using my Goodreads simply as an example to lay out before you what it can look like to be doing something godly and yet be independent of God. I do not believe most Christians would think or admit they are operating without the Holy Spirit, unless they are outright sinning, then sure no Holy Spirit partnership there. But does the posture of our heart always really line up with the actions we take?
Seeking the Higher Things Without the Higher God
Paul speaks to the church of Corinth and tells them: “I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. And even now you are not yet ready.” (1 Cor. 3:2 ESV) He had given them milk, the foundational gospel truths, the basic starting mark that their race would begin from. They were not yet ready for the deeper mysteries of God; of the hidden wisdoms of God that solid food would bring to them. Amongst them they had strife and jealously, disunity in their church, this was the fruit they bore that suggested to Paul, “you are not ready for more. You have not yet digested what knowledge I have given to you; you have not received the grace that was applied by the Holy Spirit with this word.” (my paraphrase) How then can he give more to them when what knowledge that has been given has not become revelation within them? What Paul had found was that the church had a motivation for knowledge, but not that of revelation that transforms, received only through the grace of the Spirit. At a more foundational level, they had not yet learned to abide in Christ and let him be the bearer of their fruit.
What Goodreads Could Not Do
Most evenings, I enter into my Goodreads application on my phone and update my page progress on the books I am reading. I mark off my printed paper bible plan for the chapters I read that day. I spend a few minutes scrolling the application for future books on my “Want to Read” folder that I cannot wait to start. I’m a list girl, and there are not very many better feelings in life than putting a big check next to a task. I, like the church of Corinth, find myself ready and anxious for more knowledge while the books I’ve read sit in piles of dust with unreceived revelations. It works this way, right? If I can read it, if I can grasp it, I can become it. I can gain the revelation that would help me understand God better and love God more wholly. Wrong. This postmodern way of thinking will never make me as wise as C.S. Lewis. Wisdom cannot be microwaved; it cannot be achieved from over-the-top sweat equity. Most wisdom comes from long years spent serving a wise master. In my imagination, I can see Paul coming to me just like he did the church. “You have settled into a way of thinking that is getting you nowhere. You need to return to milk until these things become a revelation inside of you and not simply head knowledge”. I may understand the foundational truths of the gospel that Paul describes as milk. I have been following Jesus for sixteen years now and have served in ministry for ten years of that time. But there are parts of my Christian Walk where, at times, I have been trying so hard to seek understanding in my own efforts, rather than allowing the grace of God to bring revelation to me in His perfect timing. My flesh wants to guide me in earning faith and revelation. When we forget the most fundamental blocks of our faith, His grace, we cannot continue to build. We must get back to the basics; we must have a grace-based motivation in our Christian Formation.
Union with Christ: The Present and End Goal
The aim is not that you would reach a higher understanding of Christ, but that you would be in constant union with Christ. If He is the vine, then you are the branches, and your job is simply just to remain. (John 15 [my par.]) The fruit you bear, the revelation that becomes a part of your personhood through the grace applied to you, will be found only through His Spirit and the work of Christ. You and I cannot muster up our fruit, squeezing it out of ourselves as we see fit. We need the Spirit of God; we need the Potter to form us and mold us. Now, our efforts aren’t scoffed at by the Father, but when we use them as a currency to get through the tolls of God’s heart, that is what grieves Him.
So, What Now?
It can be easy to lose sight of keeping a true grace-based motivation while walking through life as a believer. Usually, the biggest indicator that we have stepped away from His grace is a weary heart. Restless, tired, weary hearts are made by a lack of grace being realized in one’s walk. We can allow people’s expectations of us to take precedence over our union with Christ. Quiet times can easily become distraction city. Blue screens are lighting up with notifications during moments of solitude from work or social media. We feel the pressure of the world pulling us from every direction to be more and do more… It’s easy to start running faster, as the whip of the world comes cracking down on your back, you pick up the pace.
Our Christian formation, if we are not careful, can turn into religious duty at any point in our Christian Walk. Time with God can easily default to religious works in busy seasons or times of hardship and grief. It is not my efforts that bring revelation and equipping into my personhood. It is the grace of God impressed upon me from the active leadership and empowerment of the Holy Spirit. It is time to abide, my friend. If you have found yourself in a restless, weary, run-down state of being, could it be that you are trying to do it alone? A hard but good question to ask God is, “Am I really dependent on you or am I depending on myself?” and if you’re not, ask God to help you.
A simple prayer to pray this week:
May I never forget the grace needed through every moment of every day. May I know to the depths of me that I need the grace applied by His Spirit on the mountains and in the valleys.
Scriptures to read:
John 15:5-8
1 Corinthians 3:1-11
